so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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