You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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