Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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