i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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