So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Barsexuality is the new black.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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