you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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