Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
