I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
