; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
