What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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