i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
