Kiss
Puke
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
