wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
