It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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