i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
