Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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