I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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