It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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