I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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