At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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