He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
