When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
