We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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