I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
