Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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