i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
