According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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