What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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