I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
