Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
