Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
