So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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