She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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