I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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