You're a womanizer and a bitch.
no, he came in my armpit
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
