I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
