I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When are your genitals available?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
