So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
someone owes me an orgasm
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
