What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
