oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
