Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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