Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
