I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't deserve a penis
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
