I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
