am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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