bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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