if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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