My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
