The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
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my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
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Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?