brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media