apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
