so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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