Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
