I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
