she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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