omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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