I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
